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Cerulean Blue (Keturah)

Saturday, February 6, 2010
What is lucky about writing is that you can't start off by crying, or at least nobody can tell.

So our trip is over and as obvious as that is, the shock is just as strong as it was when we were beginning. It didn't fly by. I saw too much and experienced too much to be able to say that, but coming back was weird since it could somehow still feel like we left yesterday. Maybe part of that is just Lowville. haha.

Now I suppose there are three big questions looming in the air now that you know all we have seen.
1) What did you learn about yourself?
2) How have you changed?
3) What the heck are you going to do now?
This post is my attempt to answer them, although I have found these sorts of experiences to unravel more over time as they jar with whatever is next. And I realize a numerical list would be convenient reading, but all these questions overlap, so you are just going to get the concoction that they make instead. :)

I learned that deserts are as beautiful and glorious as mountains, that I love the ocean in a way I cannot explain, that the forest is my peace, and that four seasons in the Adirondaks will always be home. I learned that you make your adventures in this world. As much as some of them find you, you have to be the one who sees them coming and jumps without paying any attention to the fall. It is definitely inspirational on a colorful poster to say "Follow your dreams!" but I think it is more true that you have to create your dreams, allow yourself to have blind faith that you can achieve them (because you don't know...you never did them before...you really can't know ahead of time), and then pound them into submission. I met a lot of people on this trip who are doing something different, something unique to who they are in the world, but I also met a lot who just like to put the poster up on their wall. This was a huge shock for me, coming out of the age of young dreamers, where everyone around me thinks anything is possible, into the age of decision and practical application, where people go to college or work for money. I plan on doing both of those someday, but I am confident, more than ever, that my life and its timetable are in my own hands. Scary though, not to leave it up to a system to tell me the next step...I have to admit. I would say I learned how to be a better driver, except that I just turned down a one-way street and almost collided head-on with a semi-truck. Oh boy, Keturah. I learned that I am capable of spending an extensive intensive amount of time in relationship with another human being without losing myself or her. I learned that my favorite color is cerulean. Cerulean blue is absolutely beautiful. It silkens my eyes and makes happy bubbles in me for no apparent reason. This may seem trivial to you, but I never knew what my favorite color was and if you just happen to have always had one, you really would not understand what a predicament it is to be without. I learned, too, that I am a little tiny wee bit high-strung and stressed. I realized this because I took a free stress test that maxed out the machine. I would go into denial...I mean, I am sure it was a faulty machine, but I got so stressed about being a stressed-out person that I realized it must be true! What is scary is that I used to be amazed at other people who were very high-strung, but they always thought they were so laid back. I didn't know how they couldn't see it. Oh dear. It is alright though because I found yoga! haha.

Ok ok ok. So that was a bunch of stuff in a nutshell. Now for the doozy --dun dun dun. What am I going to do next? The truth is I didn't have a high-falootin' clue. So my ever-faithful companion had me make a list of all the possibilities. Then she asked me the bomb question: "What would you do if you had no limitations at all?" I would dance. I always wanted to dance, ever since I was little, but it never worked out for me. Timidly, I put this down on the list because who admits out loud, at age 20 that she wants to dance, and dance well, when she is really about 15 years expired? It was the most outrageous idea listed, the least likely to ever occur. So, I am currently in Seattle and will be attending classes at a dance studio every day of the week starting tomorrow...flamenco, ballet, jazz, modern, ballroom...

When we got home, I got my car and drove back across the country by myself in four days with no promise of a job or place to stay. I am spending tons of money on something that may end with the semester in June...just because I know that when I am eighty in my rocking chair, I will always wonder if I ever could have danced. So, I have no immediate plans for college, I have no career goals, I have no five or ten-year plan. And I am only saying all of this because I feel more adamantly all the time that the world would be a more beautiful, more creative, more unique place if people recognized what was real inside of themselves and were true to it at any cost. I also think that I can't really fail. This will be an experience. And that is all life is...one experience after another. At the end, we will see how they all fit together. I am coming to terms with the fact that I don't need to know that now.

By the way, I am scared out of my mind most of the time and not feeling very crazy or brave at all. Just so you know I am not a saint with flowery words. I still don't know what happiness is or who God is or why we are all here trying to stay busy on earth, but I know there are things inside of me that are itchy for whatever reason. I am going to itch them for lack of anything else to do. And my deepest wish is that you might discover what itches you, whether that be travel, building things, cooking, or wool rubbing your skin...and dare to let those things exist.

Bye for now ;)

1 comments to Cerulean Blue (Keturah):

Kendralee* said...

i miss you.

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